When Grief Doesn’t Take the Day Off: A Father’s Day Survival Note

Father's Day can be a huge trigger, especially to those card-carrying members of the hashtag#DeadDaddyClub.

I sometimes wonder why Father's Day can be so triggering. Perhaps because it is a commercial holiday that Hallmark-typee companies do an incredible job of promoting.

It's not as if we are not aware that our dads are gone on the other 364 days of the year. (Not something any of us can forget...despite desperately wanting to at times.)

It's not as if all the emails announcing big sales remind us anymore of our loss.

No, it's more the in-your-face, 'look what could be or could have been' jolt when you may or may not have been thinking about your hashtag#DeadDadClub membership dues.

It magnifies all the unmet hopes, dreams, and expectations of what could have been.

It magnifies a huge gaping hole of what is no longer.

And the pain is real and can be debilitating.

Since there is no real way to 'escape' Father's Day short of not going on any form of social media, not watching television, checking your email, or leaving your house, here are some Father's Day self-care tips:

• Let yourself have SPACE to feel the emotions that come up. There may be many. Observe them. Acknowledge them. Know that it's normal to feel a bazillion feelings and emotions at once.

• Normalize that there is NO time limit on grief - 5 hours or 50 years, all valid. All real.

• Give yourself permission to care for yourself - however that may look. If you need alone time (even 5 minutes), take it. If you need to back out of brunch, do it. If you need to stare at the wall and eat Nutella (or tomato sauce from the jar in my case) in your PJS, do it. Do what YOU need to do for you.

• If you need a 'stay on the couch, binge on COMMERCIAL-FREE Netflix' day (or whatever that day looks like for you), take it.

• Plan something that "fills your cup": exercise, massage, journal in your favorite spot, meditate, have lunch with a safe and caring friend/relative, read a book for fun, paint, or color.

• Enjoy a social media detox (including not checking your email!).
  

it is okay to feel what you're feeling.

You may be feeling a ton of different things, and that's totally normal. You are not alone.

(Confession: My pre-kids go-to was: order an eggplant parm sub & French fries and binge on as much Law & Order: SVU, Criminal Minds, Chicago PD, Chicago Fire that my brain could handle. Now that I have kids and a husband to celebrate, I can no longer partake in my couch bingeing. I do build in some grace and recuperation time the next day.

My new go-tos are: taking 5-minute bathroom breaks to breathe (when I need to), journaling before the kids get up, and letting the tears flow if I need to. I also try to focus on my husband and daughters and revel in their beautiful relationship and how it looks so much like the relationship I had.)

What has helped you? I'd love to hear what your strategies are.

Sending big hugs.

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If you feel like you want some more support, schedule a time to connect.